It gets a Paul to have a Bella: How misuse of gaslighting label weakens our relationships
Quiz — which of the following may be an example of gaslighting?
1) Partner A says, “You hurt me.” Partner B replies, “That’s not true.”
2) Partner A says, “I feel hurt by your behavior.” Partner B replies, “That’s not true.”
3) Partner A says, “I feel hurt by your behavior.” Partner B replies, “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant; let’s talk about it.”
The correct answer? Maybe none.
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Are we sure we know what gaslighting means? Fact-checking: The expression originates from a play in which the apparently caring Paul wants to have his heiress wife Bella certified insane to get her money, recuperate the loot from a previous crime, and fly off with the beautiful and promiscuous maid Nancy. To reach his criminal goals, Paul repeatedly hides things, makes mysterious noises, and dims the gas lights to then convince Bella she’s imagining things. It works — by the end of the play, the unaware and innocent Bella is almost certain she’s lost her mind.
From this story, we can see gaslighting as an intentional and planned attempt to question someone’s reality for personal advantage. This definition is not too far from the one found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, which elected gaslighting the 2022 word of the year and defines it as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.” In this definition, I want to highlight the word “grossly” — in this sense, a clear and unambiguous reality that is manipulated must exist for gaslighting to happen.
Is this type of gaslighting common? Cases have been reported of people trying (and sometimes succeeding) having their spouses or relatives convicted or otherwise institutionalized based on manipulation of reality. Other examples include serial cheaters, narcissistic individuals, and pathological liars who repeatedly deny the other person’s perceptions with the goal of maintaining their worldview unquestioned, feeling superior, or simply not being left by their betrayed partner.
Gaslighting is different from lying because it requires the active and intentional denial of a person’s truth. It’s more than providing a false account of a happening; it is actively trying to change the other person’s reality with concrete actions (e.g., hiding evidence to then deny it ever existed) or verbal statements questioning the other person’s perceptions (e.g., insisting on saying things like “this thing never happened, you are imagining things”).
True gaslighting is repetitive, insistent, and often pervasive. It is not the petty, defensive, and momentary reaction anyone can have when faced with an accusation or an uncomfortable truth. It’s a repeated pattern that touches multiple aspects of life and is fed by that victim’s doubts and even by their attempts to counter the gaslighting by bringing evidence, which becomes yet another opportunity for the gaslighter to gaslight. The only solution is to leave.
I have seen true gaslighting. I mean the repeated and intentional denial of reality that questions someone’s sanity. It’s no joke. In one couple I met, a partner found evidence of the other partner’s affairs. The unfaithful partner hid this evidence and denied its existence for months while trying to convince their betrayed partner that they had severe trust issues that were destroying their otherwise perfect relationship. It took therapy, strength, and a second wave of undeniable evidence for the betrayed partner to react and leave. As said, no joke.
In sum, the key elements of gaslighting are the repetition over time, the other-blaming attitude, and the intentional manipulation of reality with the goal of questioning the other person’s perceptions. However, this is not necessarily what we mean in everyday language. In couple therapy and beyond, this word has become almost a buzzword to describe all sorts of situations in which a person feels betrayed or questioned by a loved one. This narrative portrays the gaslighter as an evil being and the gaslighted as their victim. Once this narrative is set, it is very hard to undo, and no alternative view is possible.
I just want to say one, perhaps uncomfortable thing: feeling gaslighted is not the same as being gaslighted. Many of the behaviors that are perceived as gaslighting could be done with no intention of gaslighting.
A false account of an event is most likely the good old lying, not gaslighting.
Counteraccusations in response to statements referring to one’s mistakes or faults are most likely defensiveness, not gaslighting.
Not following through with stated intentions and consistent actions mostly likely reflects motivational issues and not gaslighting.
In couple therapy, especially in the early sessions, I often see partners blaming each other. They use phrasing that invalidates the other person’s experience, deflection to avoid accusations, and belittlement of the other’s view when disagreeing. Are they gaslighting each other? Not necessarily — they’re most likely making the fatal (but common) mistake of portraying reality exclusively from their own perspective.
Especially nowadays, in increasingly individualistic societies, people make the absurd mistake of denying that different perspectives about the same thing can be simultaneously true and valid. As I wrote somewhere else, people are often defensive, feeling that the mere fact that someone has a different view on something implies an invalidation of their own view. Take the examples at the beginning of this blog. In the first interaction, partner A formulates an accusation that partner B denies. B may be partly denying A’s reality, but they are mostly denying the accusation of having intentionally hurt their partner. As a couple therapist, my job is to help both partners to act as in the third example: A states their feelings irrespective of their partner’s intentions, and B apologizes, affirms their own perspective, and shows openness to the view of their partner.
Is example #2 gaslighting? It could — there are elements that raise red flags. Most significantly, Partner A expresses a personal truth about how they felt, which by definition cannot be denied by someone else. However, to be gaslighting and not just an asshole response, there has to be an intention to manipulate, it has to persist after calm but firm invitations to rephrase, and it has to be one instance of a larger and more repeated pattern.
When someone acts in a way that questions our perception, it is absolutely valid to feel confused, uncomfortable, and disrespected — in other words, it is OK to feel gaslighted. Often, our partners, friends, and even therapists can make us feel that way. Though, this does not mean that they have the intention of gaslighting us. A partner may be acting in a defensive way because they feel accused and didn’t think their reaction through, a friend may not be that good of a listener after all, and a therapist may have a bad day clumsily trying to equip us with alternative interpretations. Or they may be incompetent; that happens, too.
What are the risks of labeling all unpleasant interactions full-blown gaslighting? Three things are worth pointing out.
One, seeing and invoking gaslighting everywhere trivializes what is, in fact, a serious form of abuse. In other words, we minimize the instances in which gaslighting actually occurs. This arms gaslighters with yet another weapon to perpetrate their abuse. Again, no joke.
Two, there is the risk of getting stuck in a rigid evil/victim narrative that does not help relationships mature. In other words, we lose immense growth opportunities to build healthy and mature communication with our partner in which we validate each other’s views and try to do better next time.
Third, and this may be the most uncomfortable truth — we may be gaslighting our partner, too. If we label gaslighting all disagreements and our partner’s imperfect attempts to state their perspective, well, maybe we are the ones denying their reality or refusing to see alternative views not aligning with ours.
This blog is not meant to gaslight you. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional manipulation, and if your partner repeatedly questions your reality with statements implying that you imagine things, have a bad memory, or have silly thoughts, they’re probably gaslighting you. Most importantly, if your partner repeatedly refuses to see your perspective, even when you do not deny the validity of theirs, you are likely in a toxic relationship, whether it is or not gaslighting. In the doubt, leave regardless — they’re probably not great partners anyway. But if your partner expresses a subjective worldview that happens to disagree with yours, try to focus on this unpleasant truth to compromise and negotiate change.
Written in January 2025.
