Better listening: A practical mini guide
How can we achieve better listening? How can we communicate that our interest is genuine?
These are the very smart questions that a reader of La Presse, a popular Quebec newspaper, asked journalist Rose-Aimée Automne T. Morin. When Rose-Aimée turned these questions to me for an interview, the first thing I thought was that this is a very important topic indeed — listening is one the most important yet underestimated aspects of communication.
In preparing for the interview, I realized that a practical guide might be useful also to people who don’t read La Presse. I will start with a reflection on effective communication, link it to some of the most common mistakes we make while listening, and then suggest practical tips to achieve and communicate better listening. Ready to listen?
Where does good listening start? Good listening starts with understanding what effective communication is.
Effective communication targets two things: the expression of our needs in a clear, authentic, and non-defensive way AND a similar understanding of the other person’s needs.
Thus, good listening is a critical component of communication. Yet, individuals, couples, and families often find the listening aspect the hardest. Parents wonder what they are missing in the seemingly irrational responses of their adolescent children while their children repeatedly state they don’t feel understood. Partners come to therapy with the question of how to reduce their arguments. Individuals find it difficult to listen and feel listened to, even in therapy at times.
What are some common mistakes associated with listening? In short, we often listen by focusing on ourselves instead of the other — how ironic!
The most common and subtle mistake we make is perceiving the other person’s needs as a threat — as if their needs would automatically imply an invalidation of ours or that we did something wrong in leaving their needs unattended.
When we feel that way, it is easy to become defensive. We listen while thinking of or rehearsing our responses, immediately ready to start our feedback with a yes-but. We are invested in being right. We are eager to express our opinion. We do that because we feel attacked and want to justify or defend our behavior.
Another common mistake is that we are ready to offer a solution or advice. This is the most deceiving mistake because it gives us the illusion that our feedback is about the other person — we are trying to help, after all! However, we often don’t check with the other person if they want our advice. Thus, the truth is that we are still focusing on our need to help instead of the other person’s needs.
The paradox is that in all these examples, we lose the rare and precious opportunity to understand what the other person is trying to tell us about themselves. In other words, we miss the opportunity to know them and connect with them in an open and authentic way.
Once we get this aspect — that listening is about the other person and not about us — a wonderful landscape opens before our eyes: the marvelous and uncharted world of who the other person is.
Now that we have changed our perspective, how does good listening look in practice? Much of human communication is nonverbal. In some cultures, for example, looking someone in the eyes while they are talking signals interest and cooperative intent. However, depending on cultural aspects or levels of intimacy, looking someone in the eyes can sometimes feel too intimate or invasive. A reasonable alternative is to look at the other’s mouth (or alternate looking at eyes and mouth), which can help us remain focused and is not usually perceived as invasive.
Too shy or not sufficiently intimate to look at the other person? A viable alternative is to look somewhere in the space, possibly the floor — this may communicate that we are fully engaged in listening while being respectful of the other person’s space.
In addition to these behaviors (and especially for the third one), other non-linguistic communication pieces may contribute to expressing our interest and understanding. Common signals include intermittent nodding, various paralinguistic sounds (“mh-mh”, “ah”, “huh”), and emotional expressions that either match the other person’s emotional state or convey ours (raising brawls if surprised).
Finally, the cherry on top — if we want to be sure that we get the other person’s perspective, we can ask them directly. While or after listening, it is good practice to take some time to rephrase what the other person just said and double-check with them if we correctly understood their point. This is a very important validating behavior, even if we find out that we did not understand correctly, and give to the other person the opportunity to repeat and rephrase.
Done — what’s the next step? None. Technically, good listening ends here. Sometimes the other person just wants to be listened to. When we are unsure of what the other person wants, asking is again a good idea. Here are some examples of what we might ask. Would you like my advice? Would you like to know what I think I’d do in your shoes? Or the open but never-wrong question of How can I help you?
As a final remark, good listening requires presence. Before engaging in a conversation, we must check with ourselves whether we have the space. If we don’t because too tired or distracted, we should say that to the other person to check if they prefer to be listened to with half-brain or postpone to a different time.
In sum, we can all achieve better listening by focusing on the other person’s needs and hope to receive the same listening when it’s our time to talk. Enjoy listening!
Written in March 2023
